Remember to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and be forgiving of the sadness and vulnerability you will feel. It is all normal and makes us all human. Do everything you can for the families and victims — and take care of yourself.
The Tuesday after Pulse my friend Meredith called and asked me to go to yoga with her. Over the past year my yoga class has been a place I go to heal. I told her I was a zombie and had no clothes or anything for yoga. Mere said if I could get there she would bring me clothes. At this point I was not functioning properly. I had not been able to really let go and cry and let it all out. I think I actually wouldn’t let myself. I was very afraid of sitting in any kind of silence. I got to class after my third especially long day at work. I was nonstop until that point. I did not sit, I did not think about myself, I did not even take care of my family. I was completely immersed in the surviving families in my care. Yoga was a very frightening proposition. As soon as I sat I felt the tears and despair boiling up in me. I was so sad and so bottled up… until then. I know that the teacher knew and could feel my pain and she took special care to stop and have us sit with our hands in prayer and breathe. Tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. I was finally letting it out. There is a part in the end of class that you lay in “corpse pose” — literally dead body pose. As I lay there on the floor all I could think about were all of the lost souls lying on the floor at Pulse… they would not ever get up again. I was really consumed with grief. I still think of them when I am in this pose in class… I think I always will.