Dealing With Loss: There’s No Wrong Way To Grieve

When it comes to grieving, there is no such thing as a wrong way to do it.

Grieving is highly personal and can vary from person to person and culture to culture. How you react to the loss of a loved one may be impacted by a wide range of factors, including where you live, your upbringing and your religious or spiritual beliefs. It’s not something that can be scripted in any way.

Unfortunately, people who are coping with loss can feel as if there’s something wrong with them. So it’s important to understand that grieving is a normal part of living.

Impact of Grieving

Discussions of grieving often include the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist whose studies on dying people resulted in her “five stages of grief.” She suggested that grieving follows a pattern: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

But instead of thinking of grief as a linear progression from one stage to the next, consider it more as a roller coaster that can loop and turn on itself. One day you move forward, only to find yourself moving backward the next.

During this journey, you may be affected physically, emotionally and behaviorally. Among the common effects:

• Loss of appetite
• Difficulty sleeping
• Trouble concentrating
• Forgetfulness
• Difficulty making decisions
• Depression
• Weight gain or weight loss
• Feelings of guilt, anger or loneliness
• Feeling numb
• Withdrawing from social connections
• Taking no enjoyment from favored hobbies

Coping Strategies

One of the most important things you can do is avoid comparing yourself to other people or to how life used to be before you suffered your loss. Spending too much time thinking about what you once had can slow down your recovery. Instead of thinking about where you should be, strive to accept where you are on your journey. Acknowledge how far you’ve come and be kind to yourself. Other strategies:

Feel your emotions: Remember that it is OK to feel pain. Don’t try to stifle it in hopes that it will just go away. Allow yourself to be angry or sad. And don’t be afraid to laugh. Sharing funny stories about a lost friend or family member can be healthy.

Lean on family and friends: Don’t hesitate to let loved ones know you are in pain. They may be dealing with the same grief. Talk about your emotions and spend time with others, instead of isolating yourself.

Engage in a favorite activity: Even if you don’t feel like it, spend some time doing the things you enjoy. Read a book, go fishing, have lunch with friends, spend time at the gym or take a walk through the neighborhood to help you remember joy and happiness.

Relax: Relaxation techniques – including breathing exercises, meditation and yoga – can help reduce some of the negative physical and psychological effects of grieving.

Exercise: While grieving, it’s easy to take your physical health for granted. Exercise is good for your body and can help you sleep better, improve self-esteem and provide a source of distraction.

Watch your diet: You may be tempted to attack that bottle of wine or carton of ice cream, but the short-term pleasure you receive from these foods won’t help you in the long run. Eat vegetables, fruits and lean meats, while avoiding alcohol and junk food. If you don’t feel like eating, try small meals, supplemented by multivitamins.

Join a support group: Both online and in-person support groups can put you in touch with others who are dealing with grief. Sharing your experiences and successful coping strategies can be beneficial.

Seek professional help: If you feel like you aren’t making progress in your recovery, talk with your doctor or a counselor about your feelings.

What If It Feels Like the Grieving Will Never End?

In rare instances, these intense feelings of loss remain despite the passage of time. Given that every person grieves in their own way, it can be difficult to say precisely at what point a person crosses over into a diagnosis known as complicated grief. This diagnosis may apply to if you are still experiencing a debilitating level of grief a year or more after your loss.

To some degree, the pain will never truly go away. Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone who is important to you. So you never will be the same. The key is whether you are progressing. If not, its likely that you would benefit from talking with your doctor or counselor to help you find a better path forward.